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Roommate, you have been such a pain this whole quarantine. You haven’t been cleaning up after yourself, you’ve been passive-aggressive, and the worst of it all, well, you haven’t had rent for me! I know you received your stimulus check and have been working, so there is no excuse for me to have to pay all the rent again. I am so annoyed that I can only think of one solution to this problem, and that’s to evict you!

I know the courts are closed still, so I am going to take matters into my own hands, or mouth. I am going to eat you. I have already shrunk you down to the perfect size to stick in my mouth and swallow, and since this whole pandemic has been happening, it has been super challenging to get a decent small person meal in these circumstances, so this will be a much-needed treat!   

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