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*~ masturbation humor ~*
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lance497261
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« on: August 25, 2016, 04:45:45 PM »
ReplyReply

When he's watching porn, masturbating, and keeping an eye on the door at the same time...
===========================================================================
A boss has to fire one of 2 workers, Jack & Jill. However, Both Jack & Jill are skilled workers and he is finding it really, really difficult to pick.

So after their shifts, Jack goes home before Jill does, and the boss goes over to Jill just before she gets into her car. He informs her of his dilemma.

"Hey Jill, I have a problem."

"Ok Boss, what is it?" she asks

"I Can't decide whether to lay you or Jack off, what would you suggest?"

"Well, you'd better get the vasoline, i'm going home!"
======================================================================================
How did Pinocchio know he was made out of wood?
He got splinters on his hand after masturbating.
========================================================================================
Two people is a twosome

Three people is a threesome

That is why they call me handsome
===========================================================================
If moms have Mother's Day and dads have Father's Day what do single guys have?
Palm Sunday
===========================================================================
What do you call a 90-year old man who can still masturbate?
Miracle Whip.
===============================================================================
How did the mother know her daughter was masturbating during her period?
She was caught red-handed.
============================================================================
I WAS SEXUALY ACTIVE AT 12 , ITS NOW 12:30 AND MY RIGHT ARM IS KILLING ME
===========================================================================
What is the ultimate rejection?
When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.
======================================================================
What's the difference between good and great?

Good is 2 tissues; great is 4 tissues.
==================================================================================
A guy with a small cock who likes to jerk off into condoms has a hard-on, unrolls a condom on, and starts stroking. Only a few strokes in, and the condom starts smoking. The guy doesn't stop--after all, when you've got your hand on your cock, there's not much that can get in the way of that-- and the condom keep smoking. Soon the smoke forms itself into a man standing by the guy's bed.

"Thank God! I thought I was going to have to stay in that thing forever!" says the genie (because it was a genie). "No one ever buys the small condoms. I'll give you three wishes."

The man, whose only thought is on what's going on between his hand and his cock, says, "I'd like a bigger cock."

Foosh! His cock doubles in size. It feels amazing. He's enjoying jerking off the whole length of it, and he thinks, well, two is better than one, right?

"I wish I had two cocks like this," he says.

Foosh! He's got two massive cocks, both rock-hard, and he jerks them both off like he's skiing. The pleasure is incredible. And he thinks, well, can't I do better...?

"I wish I had genitals that could give me the most pleasure a human is capable of experiencing," pants the man.

Foosh! The penises turn into a vagina.
========================================================================================
If you are right handed and you masturbate with your left for a change, are you being unfaithful?
==============================================================================
You masturbate too much if you can change hands without missing a stroke.
====================================================================
Jack is nimble, Jack is quick, but Jill prefers the candlestick
=========================================================================
In 1993, the American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man's penis was larger than the shaft. After one year and $180,000.00, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex. After the US published the study, France decided to do their own study as well. After $250,000.00, and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex. Poland, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.

=========================================================================================
A young man and a girl were on a date. He was getting hot and finally said, "Let's f***". She said, "Oh no. I never do that". So he said, "Well, how about a blow job". She said, "Oh no. I don't do that either". Finally he said," How about giving me a hand job." She said she didn't know how to do that. So he said, " You remember when you were a kid, you used to shake a soda bottle until the pressure built up and it squirted? Just do it like that." So she took hold of his c*** and began. Soon he was groaning and moaning. And suddenly began to scream.
She said, "What's the matter?"
He screamed, "TAKE YOUR THUMB OFF THE END OF IT."

======================================================================================
An elderly couple in a senior's home used to visit the recreation room everyday. While there, the old lady would sit quite contently holding the old guys's penis. One day she goes down to the rec. room and is mortified to find her man with another woman holding his penis. "What's she got that I don't have" she says. He looks up with a large smile on his face and replies "Parkinson's"
===========================================================================================


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lance497261
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« Reply #1 on: August 25, 2016, 04:49:10 PM »
ReplyReply

How can you tell if you're having a super orgasm?
Your husband wakes up.



What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates?
A tearjerker.



  Nothing is better than Sex.  Masturbation is better than Nothing.
Therefore, Masturbation is better than Sex.



Why is my penis bigger than yours?
Because I'm jerking off right now.



Why do you get paid more at the Sperm Bank than at the Blood Bank?
Sperm is handmade.



What's the difference between purple and pink?
The grip.

 

Masturbation is cheap, clean, safe and satisfying...
but it's lonely.



If you are right handed and you masturbate with your left for a change,
are you being unfaithful?



You masturbate too much if you can change hands without missing a stroke.



How did Pinnochio discover he was made of wood?
His right hand caught on fire.


 
What did the horney toad say to the frog.
RUBIT..RUBIT.


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